Way back in high school, my best friend and I were fond of hijacking our drama class. Actually, we were fond of hijacking all our classes, but this one in particular we were good at redirecting (cough). Among the assignments that we decided to subvert was one in which we had to create a short play or skit. Being fans of the renaissance festival performers and Shakespeare both, we chose to write something for a pair of hypothetical aspiring Shakespearean actresses, featuring lots of banter and a prissy glove fight. I am not posting that here, it was gawdawful. However, out of this monstrosity there survived the germ of an idea: Shakespeare or Bust.
My friend and I eventually parted ways, taking our respective characters with us, and I then turned to Jim for help collaborating on what I was sure would eventually be something awesome, even if I wasn't quite sure what form it would take (I'm still not sure, for the time being I'm writing it sorta kinda like a screenplay). The premise was much the same, but the characterization, plotting, and world-building have undergone worlds of revision. This is, by no means, a masterpiece... nor is it intended to be. Mostly, it's supposed to be fun, and this scene from about a third of the way through was one we had so much fun writing a few years ago that when I uncovered it on my computer this past week I couldn't resist sharing it here.
Oh, and, by the way... this is a musical.
^-^'
The Landboud Pirate, a scene from Shakespeare or Bust
Copyright © 2004 Jim Hanson and Hilary Hatch
Featuring a musical introduction of the cast and characters of Shakespeare or Bust... or at least the good guys.
The tap room at Bottom’s Inn is semi-crowded. There is a certain rowdy atmosphere as the promised nightly performance is running very late. A hush falls over the crowd as a loud banging echoes through the room. Bottom enters in a swirl of snow, struggling to close the door against the wind.
BOTTOM
(turns and wipes his brow, leaning against the door)
Right…
Bottom walks anxiously over to the stage. Every eye in the room follows him, as might the camera about a half a pace behind.
BOTTOM
Does anyone recall how I graciously said,
“Oh, right, sure. My beloved theatre troop and sole source for entertainment this evening, it’s all right if you take the day off to go the Midwinter’s Daydream festival in the next town...” and how they all swore on their mother’s graves that they’d be back in time for tonight’s show, come hell or high water?
Well… they aren’t coming.
The crowd murmurs unappreciatively. A few things are thrown at Bottom, who skillfully dodges most of them.
DRUNK PATRON
Dance, fatman, dance!
Bottom grows more and more anxiously flustered, waving his arms and trying to calm the crowd down.
BOTTOM
(reassuringly, as though to a fussy two-year old)
Now now, folks, I promised you entertainment, and I plan to deliver! You see, we have a great treasure of skill and talent here, in this very tavern…
Violet and Jasmine look on excitedly… they’re gripping hands and quietly bouncing in their seats near the kitchen door, grinning wildly with anticipation of finally getting up onstage. Bottom walks towards them, then right past them towards Montgomery. They sag with disappointment and pout in his direction. Jasmine sticks out her tongue at Bottom’s back.
BOTTOM
Ladies and gents… but especially the ladies… may I present for your listening pleasure, the song stylings of one Captain Alastair Montgomery!
MONTGOMERY
(quietly slurred)
What are you doing, old man?
BOTTOM
(leaning down and speaking with quiet desperation)
Come on man, you were a pirate! You’ve gotta know a few of them drinking songs. This crowd is getting dangerous to one’s health, and that one is me!
MONTGOMERY
(slyly disinterested)
What’s in it for me, innkeep?
BOTTOM
(grimacing)
Free drinks for a week. Anything you want off the bottom shelf.
MONTGOMERY
A month, full access.
BOTTOM
Two weeks.
MONTGOMERY
A man’s dignity is on the line here. Mine. Two weeks, and the bottom and middle shelves, or no deal.
BOTTOM
(hesitates)
Deal.
Montgomery suddenly stands up very straight with such motion that Bottom nearly topples over backwards. Montgomery’s chair goes rocketing into the crowd.
MONTGOMERY
Right then. At the behest of our good host, I am to teach you lot a rousing chorus or two. The first one I have in mind is a cheerful little ditty I composed meself.
Montgomery pauses dramatically, then leans against a table and raises his tankard of ale, with which he keeps the beat while he sings.
Ohhhh...
I was once a Pirate King
My crew could rob ya blind
But a careful word said by me
And you would never mind
I had all the world within my grasp
I took life by the throat
And all of that would still be true
If I only had a boat…
(sips his drink)
Oh, I was once a Pirate, Aye.
Who sailed the seven seas.
The ocean was my mistress,
Her perfume the salty breeze.
I was free as few men ever are,
It was a happy state.
But now I’m a landbound pirate, Aye.
And how I loathe my fate!
(Shouted)
Frederick, come and take a verse!
(long drink)
FREDERICK
Oh, I was once an actor great
I ruled the wooden stage!
The audiences loved me,
And so did yonder page.
(winks)
The world it said the play’s the thing.
My scene was all the rage.
And alas but I’d still be there now,
Were it not for my old age.
Oh, I was once an actor, Aye.
Who always played the lead.
The theater house was always full
For me the crowds would plead.
I’d act and dance and carol
My fame it was so great.
But now my star has faded, Aye.
And how I loathe my fate!
Edward!
Frederick gestures to the minstrel, a little flirtatiously. Edward/Rose stands, then trips on his skirt and winds up in the center of the crowd, getting quite a few confused gropes on the way.
EDWARD
(surprised and with mild stage fright)
Oh I left the farm some time ago
That life was not for me.
In truth they ran me out of town
For milking bulls you see.
I ran into some lovely girls
Who wooed me to their cause
But wicked plans were up their sleeves
And now I pad my bras.
(pause & sob)
Oh, I was to be a Minstrel, Aye.
Who sang songs all the day
A ballad or an instrumental
That’s what my billing’d say.
I’d travel all across this land,
Great music I’d create.
But now I play the bar wench, Aye.
And how I loathe my fate!
Bottom!
BOTTOM
(slowing the tempo, operatic singing)
At Bottom’s Inn good times are had.
My heart is in this stone.
Each night I open up the doors,
And let you in my home.
The mess each night is dreadful,
But it don’t make me sad.
Though you’re all a bunch of filthy pigs...
(resumes tavern singing)
You’re the best drunks I’ve ever had!
Oh, I’m a tavern owner, Aye.
Who sells you lot your drinks.
MRS. BOTTOM
He piles up the glasses,
And clutters up the sinks.
BOTTOM
I pour the drinks and listen,
All problems I’ll abate.
Except for marrying my Lucy, Aye.
And how I...
Mrs. Bottom pauses in her dishwashing and LOOKS at Mr. Bottom, as if daring him to finish his verse. He offers her a sickly grin.
BOTTOM
(quickly)
Er, LOVE my fate?
Mrs. Bottom appears mollified and begins drying a glass. Jasmine and Violet are jumping up and down, and have been trying to get their verse in from the first handoff. Bottom, failing to see any decent alternative and hoping the girls will prove a distraction from his near faux pas, is resigned to giving them a shot at a verse.
BOTTOM
(sigh)
Oh, all right girls…
JASMINE
We left home to seek our fortunes
VIOLET
On fame’s path we have trode.
We’ll spend our days upon the stage...
JASMINE
Our lives upon this road.
No force could steer us from our course…
VIOLET
In our talent you can trust.
JASMINE
For in case you haven’t gathered yet,
VIOLET & JASMINE
(in unison)
We are Shakespeare or Bust!
Oh! We’re Shakespeare or Bust, Aye.
Who prance upon the stage!
We argue about flirting,
And lie about our age.
We dance and sing and swordfight
Our show is truly great!
We’ll play Shakespeare or bust, Aye.
It is a happy fate!
Socrates, the token mute, dances to the rhythm and plays the spoons for the bridge. Montgomery waits him out then sings a solo refrain in a single spot.
MONTGOMERY
No matter our change in fortune, aye,
Whatever fate has wrought,
I never had friends truer
I’ve been blessed to meet you lot.
Within these walls I’m happy
To drink my days away.
But I’d still leave tomorrow, aye,
If I only had a boat!
Montgomery throws back the rest of his drink and collapses into his chair with obvious depression. The crowd resumes good humor in the background and improvises their own verses (badly).